now with cognitive thought processes

this website fucks with the mind

http://milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

bad idea number one
public transportation
number two
leaving water bottle in bag with fancy ipod
number three
not taking out phone from bag when realizing the bags full of water
number four
showing up at the bar weeping (it scares friends away)
number five
two for one's all night on a monday when there is a full day of classes ahead of you on tuesday
number six
accepting boyfriends i-pod as replacement (ipod mini circa 2005, 4 gb, battery life of 2hrs, doesn't upload anymore which equals more stress)

while trying to take a power nap due to lack of being able to sleep last night evan calls and i tell him i will meet him in a bit because i am attempting to take a power nap cause i couldn't sleep last night which reminded me why i couldn't sleep last night and therefore started thinking about it and there went my power nap... FUCK!

back story: network is a section in the minnesota daily (u of m's paper) i have never witnessed ari's music... only an ass load of posters around from his show
here is network from may 8, 2007

Welcome, Networkia, to a special edition of Network. Today we'll be reviewing Ari Herstand's 2005 album, 'Baby Eyes' which, if album names are any indication, you should stop reading right now.

Ari, a Wisconsin native, broke out into the Minneapolis music scene a few years ago proving that if he can make it on the local music scene, then William Hung has a terrific shot. Most likely he started off by playing songs for unwitting freshman girls in the hallways of his dorm, and at some point, probably decided to record an album, a move that had potential to kill rock 'n' roll.

Ari's lyrics are about as cryptic as a giant pile of elephant crap in you doorway... they're both painfully obvious and have killed people unfortunate enough to be standing under them when delivered. To demonstrate our point, here are some lyrics from 'Most Beautiful Girl of All," which most likely was a song about his mom's aunt:

"so much beauty inside a heart/ I'm sorry I can't have more/And I recall someone I saw/ It's funny because here you are/ The most beautiful girl of all"

Most guys write a song like this in eighth grade because the hope Suzy will let them cop a feel. Not Ari. He's only getting started with his lyrics and vocals, which are beginning to sound like nails on a chalkboard while your parents are having sex in the same room. Here's a little nugget from 'Most of All':

"I love playing catch with my father/ I love curry chicken from China Palace/ With broccoli/ I love being looked up to by you/ Most of all, my brother, I love you"

This brilliant masterpiece of a song, carefully crafted from raw sewage and malignant tumors, is written fro his little brother, who, we're sure, has cut off all future communication with Ari after hearing his dumbass lyrics. Any older brother with a penis longer than two inches knows the best way to show your little brother your unconditional love is by punching him in the scrotum while his best friend stands by and laughs at him.

And lastly, here's a tasty morsel from 'The Photograph':

"Hey, I almost forgot to say.../ You're beautiful..."

You might as well just wink an give the girl/guy (whichever, we still haven't figured that one out) the Shooter McGavin fingers... you'd probably have a much better chance of getting into their pants.

But it's not just the lyrics and vocals. It's everything about the album that makes it so detestable: The emo album art, the same goddamn guitar chords in every song, the pretentious addition of trumpets and violins, and, for god's sake, the hemp necklaces. For NUTT's sake, Ari, the people at Aeropostale are literally creaming their pants with excitement at the prospect of having your music played in their stores.

We realize that against all the physical laws of the universe, Ari still manages to have a fan base out there. In one sense, we can't blame some of them because quite frankly they don't know any better... these people need to get slapped in the face with a Zappa or Radiohead record... but there are those out there that KNOW better and yet still listen. It's like voting for Bush in the 2004 election... you knew it was wrong, but you did it anyway.

Scientists estimate there are about 70 sextillion stars in the universe, and we award exactly zero of them to this album. And that's being generous...

"i really think you don't need men.
just pay more attention to your vibrator
and cuddle with your cat.
if your cat is to mean to cuddle,
wash yourself up and come cuddle with mine."
thanks par

i saw a ceramics display at the nash gallery a couple days ago that was amazing! it was over a hundred identical black ceramic bowls hung on the wall... and they look like vaginae!! it was really awesome because the way they were arranged gave a slight psychedelic feeling, and since the wall is quite large you feel like you are surround by this crazy world of floating black vaginae... i want one of those sooo bad! just imagine serving a dinner to your family and then bringing out desert in vagina shaped bowl... it would shock them... i must find a way!

"i only make guys use a condom when i am ovulating... and i can tell i am ovulating when i actually want to have sex with them"
oh caroline!

hmm... how do you remove an overly drunk punk kid from the back seat of your car? i do not know... but somehow i am stuck with a tall male dressed in black and covered in spikes... i do not know how to remove him, he is taller then i and in an area he is unfamiliar with... he has definantly not been in my car before and i don't know how to handle the situation... i must wake up in two hours anyways and i hope that he will not still be unconcious... i hope by then he has slept off the booze enough that i can get him out of the car... i am babysiting my brothers tomarrow and i am sure my parents will not be happy with the random company... so yeah wish me luck!

i was oil painting at home just a short while ago, when a terrible chain of events occurred... i was trying to clean out my brush (in turpentine) while attempting to wipe my right hand off on my shirt... then clumsy not left handed me knocked my container of turpentine onto the floor in the dinning room... before i could do any thing about the mess, my precious little kitty caught sight of the fresh spill on the floor and began lapping up the toxic concoction, before i knew it she was practically screaming in pain while seizing and vomiting in the already overwhelming mess... then the poor thing breathed her last breath... i broke down in tears that blinded my eyes so that i didn't notice as cinder my roommate's dog started to play with the carcass of what used to be the prettiest kitten in the world... this got the toxic chemicals into the system of that poor pathetic dumb yet beautiful dog... the symptoms that my cat had felt just moments before were now being felt by the dog... this drew the attention of elias... and elias being only 1 and a half years old didn't know any better so he was grabbing at the dog and trying to kiss the kitty... just as cinder closed her eyes for the last time the terrible effect started on the poor little boy... hope being alarmed by the screams of her child ran down the stairs in time to see her little boys soul leave his fragile little body... screaming and crying as only a mother at the sight of her dead child would she started to kiss her baby boy... delirious from the shock of loosing her only child she didn't notice that by kissing him she too was being poisoned... by now my other two room mates had meandered in to see what all the noise was about... v being a compulsive cleaner began to wipe the floor around his dying best friend clean... unfortunately for him he was eating a rather large delicious sandwich at the time and managed to get it soaked in turpentine and vomit... now v doesn't have a large amount of money so that sandwich was precious and important, so he ate it despite it's downfalls... you can guess what started to happen with him... well kat loving him as she does started to get angry with him for being so utterly stupid, unfortunately for her she was eating the rest of the leftover sandwich while cussing v out... needless to say i now have four dead people, a dead dog, a dead cat and a ass load of turpentine and vomit to deal with... i sure hope i won't be held accountable for this.

being the hottest thing in rainbow at eleven pm on a saturday night, i decided to flaunt my stuff and walk every last blessed isle (just out of boredom and vanity)... that is when i came to that cursed isle... the cereal isle... i don't know why but i always avoided it, cereal and me just didn't mix... that is until i came across the cereal that would change my breakfast habits forever, or at least until it’s discontinued... pirates of the carribean cereal with "black pearl" shaped chocolate flavored pieces and marshmallows... there IS a god! not only can i enjoy chocolaty goodness (with marshmallows) for breakfast, i can now enjoy staring at a flaming hot photo of johnny depp... pirates are just better...

my room mates totally left the light on for me tonight which feels like an action that shows there appreciation of me in a simple thoughtful way... not only that but the dog slept by the door waiting for me to come home just in case i would be in need of protection... even the animal cares!
so this morning i wake up after a night of debaturey and singing for apox at a most amazing show! i roll over to the new yet ancient wisdom produced by pari... she states matter of factly...

small shirt,
big tits

story of my fucking life... my tits shall not be controlled while i am sleeping!! ha ha ha ha ha... though of most my friends that are girls i must say i feel the least awkward around pari when things happen such as my tits falling out of my tiny shirt...
on another not so totally unrelated subject... i have discovered a very bad drinking habit of mine which happens to be drinking a lot (who would have guessed) followed by me sleeping at some point and being sly enough to avoid sickliness from so much consumption... only to wake up in the morning at an ungodly hour with an intese craving for cool refreshing water... this doesn't sound so bad except for the massive amounts of H2O i drink entail that i be nausious... so yes i vomit after drinking... and not because i drink to much alcohol, but because i don't know how to control myself around the sustinance of life which is water...
true story
im pathetic and guess what... i like it!!!

i was blading around lake calhoun, when a light bulb flicked over my head... this thought that entered with the light had to do with the idea that iceblading should really be the next extreme sport... so wanting to be a true pioneer and all i start trudging through the foot of snow on the ground towards the lake... about ten feet onto the lake i realized that maybe it wasn't the right time of year for iceblading... simply because my blades were sinking into the slush of the lake, this led me to notice that the damn city of minneapolis still hasn't managed to get rid of the mermaid infestation in lake calhoun... those damn mermaids were digging at the ice below with the intent of stealing my rollarblades, they grabbed at the wheels and forced me into desperate actions which concluded with me loosing a wheel and a mermaid with a wheel for an eye, and another loosing a large chunk of hair that had spun into the wheels of the other blade... i swear i have proof... a large iridescent scale and a lock of some of the ugliest hair i have ever seen... i think i am going to write to city hall and complain...